Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
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I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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