im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
