i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
