I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
