The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
