ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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