you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
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Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
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Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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