guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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