He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
