he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
