I smell stomach acid.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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