Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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