im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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