fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
