Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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