did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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