I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
