she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
