I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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