I think I just saw someone hide a body.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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