I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
