I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I woke up under a house in Key West
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
