luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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