I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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