please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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