First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
