I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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