i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I smell stomach acid.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
