wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
