Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
