and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
