hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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