my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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