I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Randomize
