currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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