I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
