i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
