If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Randomize
