my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
God gave him joint rollers for hands
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
