Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
