guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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