I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself