if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
