ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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