I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
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