im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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