the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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