When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
