either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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