proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
