the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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