Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
