I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
