Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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