He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
