I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
