We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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