Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
