my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
