I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
